We.....

wrote this the second week here, but we didn't have internet and as we have settled in, maybe can try to keep up with this to see where and what the next step of life is....never really edited it so good luck...

So we moved. It has been over a week and somewhat settled it.  I had said when we started contemplating this move that it would happen quickly in a matter of a day or so and that is what happened. 

Maybe it was discernment or just God really preparing me for it to happen like that; sadly it didn’t really prepare anyone else.

Dan took  the week before Thanksgiving off and in a matter of days it all came together.  It was a neat time for us but exhausting.  We sent the kids to my moms for a few days; which to do that is an act of desperation.  We had some really good nights of prayer and talking and lots of crying.  We wavered heavily over “TO GO OR TO STAY.” 

I don’t think throughout our whole marriage we have prayed this consistent together or this much. 

Praying really changes things. Maybe we would have ended up staying without all that prayer or maybe we would have come but not have experienced the peace with it? 

Again, sadly, we have left some of our closest friends.  They have been such a support through this and it feels so empty to have just picked up and left them like this.  The only thing that is giving me hope right now is that five years ago I felt left behind.  Two of my close friends moved. We were moms with small children who had started up a strong support system that we needed and then like that, it was gone. I felt mad, bitter and alone. 

In the middle of this move the analogy of the game Jinga has come to mind.  It is that block/tower building game where you try to pull pieces out of the tower and stack them on top of each other; but if you pull the wrong piece, the whole tower topples, leaving you to start again. I had worked so hard to start again and felt like I was getting somewhere in getting a solid gain on my “tower” and it toppled.  I know too, some of the friends we left feel the same way and I am just so sad; but then again, maybe I would have never met them if my other two friends didn’t leave. Again, giving me some hope of this new start here. 

I guess I started again 5 years ago, and really even before that, 5 years before when I first moved to the Cland area…Maybe I am on some 5 year schedule???  (God, I so pray this isn’t your plan!)

Some of the crazy in all of this, is we are renting a 2 bedroom condo for our 5 person family plus a dog, and renting to possibly own our house.  It all feels so humbling. To leave a house we pretty much started to renovate that felt like it was finally “ours” and entrust it with another family.  To leave a community that finally felt like we truly “belonged too”.  To have just found a church that for once felt like people where “real”. 

I use the “” to maybe realize that my whole life I think I have tried to achieve this as something I felt I needed; and maybe now, God allowed me a taste of it, but is showing me that I, along with my family, really just need him. 

There is a devotion that I keep coming across in Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost For His Highest  that I know is showing me need for God right now, and maybe too, the friends that I have left behind.  The even more intriguing thing about this particular devotion is that I had journaled the name of one of my friends who had moved 5 years prior. This has given me some more peace in this moment of being led away

In the devotion he writes referring to Isaiah 6:1 and the death of King Uzziah:

“Our soul’s history with God is frequently the history of the “passing of the hero. Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged .Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died-I gave up ever thing? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or – I saw the Lord?

My vision of God depends upon  the state of my character….It must be God first, God second, and God third, until  the life is faced steadily with God and no one  else is of an account whatever.

If you want to read the devotion in full, the date of it is July 13 (Must mention even more timely and reminded of this as it is one of the friends birthdays of who I just left).

So at the moment, we pretty much gave away our house and are living in a two bedroom condo.  The last week has been exhausting as we moved in cold rain (but thankful it wasn’t snow!) This was the first move with our 3 children and I prided myself with how much stuff we got rid of, but also am humbled by how much we still have and am trying to find a place for it all, and have “kindly” ridded ourselves of more of it.   

I have decided to attempt home school with my 8 year old daughter and have gotten that up and running and at the moment am pretty pleased with it.  We still have to meet our neighbor who we share a wall with and I am dreading that moment and don’t want to look them in the eye with the amount of crying, banging and fighting the kids have done in the last week. Mentally I know it has always been like this, but all of a sudden when you are sharing a building with someone it feels like the sound of it all is a million times louder. 

I still need to “start all over” as in getting a church, doctors, dentists, activities and lessons all in order. All part of a new chapter I guess. 

Renting is “hanging” over my head, as I know that again at some point another move is in store, but storing that WAY in the back of my head.  Oh the “next move”….We are praying that maybe it would lead us back to C-land to maybe finally pursue ministry at the church we left? Something that Dan and I have talked about the last few years.  Praying against the emotion of it all.

Dan has been home every night for a week and I can really feel the difference. The funny thing too about it all is it really is  just his presence because I don’t think we have had more than a few minute conversations in the last week.  Sadly at the end of the night, we are still exhausted from the kids and probably because it is dark so early now, but there is a peace.

Much of this blog was started on Psalm 63 and think that the Psalm was laid on my heart to prepare me for this move, as now I feel somewhat led into a “desert”.  Maybe I am a the start of being in it or am some what in the middle?  No matter what, I really think it is the start of something?  Whether just to grow and seek God more and/or a time to cling to my children and husband in a way that I haven’t over the years?

Move: (verb uses without object)

 1. to pass from one pale or position to another

          2. to go from one place of residence to another

          3. to advance or progress

          4. to have a regular motion

          5. to start or to leave

          

           

waiting....disappointment and dysfunction

10 years ago tonight I was waiting to say  "I do".  Now tonight it is the eve of my 10 yr anniversary and I am up waiting for my husband to get home to see what he has decided  for our family. "To move or not to move."  We have worked ourselves up with this decision in so many directions:  that now  we really should just draw straws or something.

We had planned to take a trip for our anniversary but  this but next "life decision" has ruined that and has led to nothing but disappointment and exhaustion.

10 yrs ago I was in Niagara Falls, Canada waiting to get married in a hotel room with my friend Jen.  Also feeling disappointed as my dysfunctional family life had "forced" me to get married in Canada. (I know I wasn't "forced" but the circumstances had felt led to that).

My parents have been divorced since I was 7 and I was the first to get married out of 4 girls.  Making wedding plans with two parents who hadn't talked in years became disastrous so at the time we had decided to elope.  Eloping then turned into my husband's family wanting to come and a few friends to support us, then out of obligation my family.

My wedding day turned into me doing my own hair and makeup  with a couple of friends who I know tried their hardest to help me but all I wanted was my sisters and mom to help me, but in our true family fashion, they were off complaining about being annoyed at "everything".

Is it  funny to say in the same sentence that I don't regret my wedding day but to say I was disappointed in it? It turned out to be a very emotional day and we got married for $500.00! Talk about trying to stay out of debt.  The weather was beautiful. I had a cute dress off the rack of a cute little place.  And most of all, I had and still have a man who I know loves me.

We ended up having  cake and champagne in the basement of a beautiful steeple church and were surrounded by people who I know loved us.  Even my dad who I am now estranged from and even at the time was, came up and shook my newly husband's hand and said, " I am proud of you." The moment was time-less and loving.  The day did end in lots of joyful tears.

At the time, I didn't know, that the dysfunction with my mom and dad was even more evident to the friends and family who came to be there for us. Their silent bickering was made loud and clear.  Over the years when we look back on it and  laugh but I always find myself heart broken but know how "typical" it really is.

Why I mention this, I think is because I think over the years I have kept telling myself it is going to get better.  And it has in spurts and in moments; but I still keep finding myself disappointed in things.  And now at our 10 year mark, I had hoped for this "Romantic, Everything is ok Moment?"  Or  at least a get away?  Like we had finally earned something?  (Forgot to mentioned we cheaply "road tripped" our honeymoon. First to Toronto for a night, then to Penn State College for a night. And almost 10 years to the date of the trip, look at the dysfunction that is in State College, Pa right now?) Sadly again, aware of more dysfunction.

Maybe I have learned to cling to disappointment because of all the dysfunction? Maybe I like to be dysfunctional?  Or like to be disappointed?  Or it is all I know how to be?  What ever it is, I want it to change. I don't want my kids to feel like this, at least not on their wedding day or really any day.


I have been doing this Romans Bible study this last year and after reading Romans 5 some hope was restored after reading it; especially what is bolded:

Romans 5:1-8
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. "

All of my experiences are producing lots of character I think!

Also was exposed to some Lamentations this week:

Lamentations 3:19-27

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

So....I had hoped at 10 years for something new and fun...maybe just have to wait a little longer?  Still seeking...10 years into it all, still have a husband who supports me and now 3 kids (who even in the middle of this was still up....) Hank just came down and told me, "mom, you are beautiful." (how can he get in trouble after saying that??:)

Trying to think of how to end this...I know it all sounds like, "Ah, it is all ok, because I just  posted a few Bible verses."  And yes, reading them helps with the pain and disappointment and in all, I know I don't have to be disappointed; but now I have to believe it.  The last 10 years has been a process and I must  keep processing as I am waiting for the next step and keep hoping in it for more disappointment and dysfunction to fade.....

Under the Bed...

So I just found myself hiding under my kids bed.  I went under to dig out all the garbage that daily accumulates there, (sadly, I am sure  I just cleaned it yesterday, and don't know how in a matter of a night or two, there is more "stuff" there). As I started to crawl under there and throw behind me all the trash, I found myself like an autistic kid, (I need to post about my sensory issues sometime and my experience working with such kids and how I learned a lot about myself  from them and their amazing abilities and even more, their parents who are so patient...)  calmed by the darkness and quiet under there. I actually started thinking if I could make this my official hiding spot.  How funny to want to hide in my kids room.  But why not? It is filled with toys, cute clothes and no worries.  Everything outside of my world.... Especially quiet.

I realize I started this blogging and am not really good at it.  But like the title of the blog, I think I have literally been trying to survive with just a mouthful of air to keep me going most days and most days my brain is just numb to everything and any thing I start to want to write is mush.  Nothing comes after a day of constant noise of children.

The last  couple of years my husband has been commuting to Columbus for work. Usually he stays there throughout the week, leaving me home with my 3 kids 24/7.  After this experience, my heart goes out to military families.  I don't know how they do it.   The days when I am grumbling about our situation, Dan likes to tell me, " I could be in the military, you know?" I like to think that I would have never married him and placed myself in that situation (That simple right?)......

I wrote the above a couple of weeks back...again lack of discipline in trying to keep this up...but encouraged by a friend to keep track of where we have been in this life of survival and day to day life.

We are in the middle of this, "should we stay or should we go",  (I like to break out in song, to make it more entertaining), as we are trying to figure out if we should move closer to Dan's job or stay in this community that we have grown to love and where we have finally built a strong support system that has been lacking way too long in my life.  Along with a church that we have a strong desire to help see grow.

I have had some awesome friends who I have dragged into this daily "saga" of mine and I think out of exhaustion of us all, I just want to  run away.  I keep telling myself it could be worse. As mentioned, Dan could be in the Military and away.  As we are surrounded by so many with cancer, we could be victims to it ourselves and sadly, it can strike out of no where. I know all this...as I daily  find myself doing "Lamaze breathing."

I have thought of myself to have grown over the years in my faith as we have been through what I thought was so much. Multiple moves; Dan's mother's cancer and then death; career changes and working a combination of jobs with kids in diapers. Hank's  cranial surgery and therapy; my parent's long drawn out divorce of 20+ years that has become what I now call  my "Dr. Phil Meets Jerry Springer" sitcom family.  But then I heard a new term  the other day and maybe have become susceptible  to it;  "Hollywood Faith" it is all summed up and fixed in 30 minutes. (Midday Connection 10/3/11).  I think that is what is wrong with me.

I don't want to keep going through the waiting and tiredness of the next step. With a snap, it should all work out (with no commercial interruptions.)  Then on the next note, and trying not to breath, I truly do feel blessed to know that we are growing and being allowed to change for a purpose.

At this very moment, we  have our house half packed expecting a move. We have renters/good friends who we totally believe in lined up to rent and maybe even buy our house. We have found a decent condo to rent in Cbus; downfall is the school system, but I have really been open to homeschooling our oldest.  And now are totally paralyzed and can't move in either way......Really shouldn't be this hard?

I just looked up my theme song to this all..."Should I Stay or Should I Go?"....there is a line that reads


This indecision’s bugging me... couldn't be any more true..sigh..




Psalm 63 starts off, "Oh God you are my God, earnestly I seek you..."...when my head is mush, such as right now at almost midnight, I pray this....because of my posting record, I am sure by the next one there will be some answers! :)

Seeking, waiting for the next step to be found....thankful that even under my kid's bed God sees me:)

seek  (sk) v. sought (sôt), seek·ing, seeks v.tr. 1. To try to locate or discover; search for. 2. To endeavor to obtain or reach: seek a college education. 3. To go to or toward: Water seeks its own level. 4. To inquire for; request: seek directions from a police officer. 5. To try; endeavor: seek to do good. 6. Obsolete To explore. v.intr. To make a search or investigation: Seek and you will find.

HIbernation

Hibernation is a state of inactivity and metabolic depression in animals, characterized by lower body temperature, slower breathing, and lower metabolic rate..... Hibernation may last several days or weeks depending on species, ambient temperature, and time of year, and fur on the animal's body. (Wikipedia)


I have no fur but am feeling the inactivity, lower body temp and not really metabolic depression but the depression of the cold air and lack of sun and I am getting tired of  the constant act of putting hand sanitizer on my children after hearing of some kid who has the flu or after wiping their snotty face.  Also I am tired of hearing of the "latest snow storm" and then being totally disappointed because it was a "few flakes" and not getting that school cancelation or even better, getting the awful snow and STILL having to drive my kid to school!!!!


I wish I could hibernate through the winter....what would that look like...


A few things are going through my mind....


Maybe to stock up the kitchen pantry with snacks and treats (fruits and vegetables would expire so have to get all the preservative stuff..ok some canned veggies/fruits to be "healthy")  and say, "good night kids....pantry is all ready for you guys, no fighting, I will see you in the spring!!" and then just curl up in bed...sigh.....


Or 


Layer the kids in footie pjs, and blankets and kiss them all as I  put them to bed and to know they would sleep through the winter...Wow how awesome would that be to be designed like that!!  To wake up and see they are an inch taller and maybe somewhere in all that sleep they learned some manners and to finally sleep through the night IN their own beds, AND are completely potty trained!!!  ( A little too much wishful thinking....)




I like to say my family "hibernates" in the winter. Really though it is we are home bodies than hibernating.   We don't see our friends for some reason.  Even the people who live on the same street.   Usually because someone is sick.  But even more honestly, because the thought of having to layer my children in their coats and boots that they fight with me for over an hour to put on them ends up with them some how  being naked  as we are to leave, just exhausts me.  And if we do make it to the car, I end up having one of the kids crying because they can't stand having their coats on in their car seat and decide to tell me as we just get on the road, instead of as I buckle them in.   Ugh,


Even better though,  is when we  are able to get out and get to where we need to be, again, they are some how naked when we get there! Ok, not naked, but have half the clothes I had wrestled to put on them on; and the missing items are now lost somewhere in my van and not to be found!!!  One of  my kids this winter has already managed to fling their boot off as I was closing the van door and I didn't notice; leaving me to carry them my whole trip out....I was glad to find the missing boot laying in the middle of the driveway when I got home.......I was not about to go out and buy a whole new pair and then have to hear, "They don't fit, they are too tight...I don't like them......"


Last I think it feels like hibernation in the winter because it gets dark so early and is dark when you wake up.  It just makes you want to sleep and not move waking up to cold and darkness.  


As I was finishing this last night, my computer died.  So this morning,  I got my snow day, my one daughter actually slept in.  I am very happy!!  Groundhog day is tomorrow, and we will get to see how long this "hibernation" will last.  

A Navy Family in Naples: #31

A Navy Family in Naples: #31: "#31. While we were in London, it seemed like the kids had to check out every bathroom we came to. So at one point while we were not in a re..."

To my last post...I couldn't resist..I love how this lady is holding up her hands...

I HAVE TO GO!!!!!!!!

Today I sat in my van twice trying to buy time....Earlier today waiting for Mari's preschool to get over and later when both Hank and Mar crashed and I wasn't going to dare wake them up and get them out of the van as I was waiting for Dylan to finish up a class, so I just sat...but I found myself in both times having to "go"....

First it is usually ok to hear men talk like this but as a mom and as a nurse my life is consumed in " I HAVE TO GOOOOOOO!!!!!" moments......

Call it the Potty...The Lu...The John.... The Can....The " I HAVE TO GOOOOOOO" Room...and even better when more than one has to use it at the same time.....

This thought of having to go has been lingering around in my head the last few months because to survive daily right now I have to adjust everything I do around this one thing...and have found it even more amusing when I am alone with the three of my kids and I "HAVE TO GOOOOOO!"

Like earlier in both situations...I was sacrificing my comfort for well...My Comfort...  "Bladder Distention" VS  "Calmeness and Quiet"

I can go all day "without going"but at both work and at home I am ushering kids and patients to the bathroom.....cleaning up accidents and yes at times, getting "it" on me...and prepare yourself for this "honest, gross confession"  having that awful stench on  my hands EVEN when  I have used a gallon of Bath and Body's strongest and a bottle of hand sanitizer to try to get it off...it just sticks and STINKS.....hoping that was more of in the diaper phase.......but still wiping butts.......

and even after that...I still have to pick up the Dogs dooo.....:(

The problem is that  the kids always have to go the moment I am in the back of the store....the moment I just leave and my FAVORITE...being alone in the car, while one is sleeping (esp this summer when we were on the road back and forth on the turnpike)....

Hence...my solution...

Connors ON THE GO in the van potty

We use this everywhere now...not just on long car trips but trips to Walmart...ect...(It has helped to make at least one thing "SIMPLE"  in my life right now.....)

Packed in my van is the potty, some Lysol wipes, baby wipes and hand sanitzer and "baggies" for "mr. poops" Just real life baby...

Somehow being confined in the van rather than dragging all three into the store bathroom is way better than them climbing on the gross floors, touching the toilet and me trying to confine one or more while I am trying to keep the other from falling into the toilet.  

I still find myself in the store bathroom but way less for them and usually it is for when I need to go...which is another topic...let's just say I threw modesty out the window a long time ago and could care less if a stranger gets a peek...usually I am glad at that moment there might be someone willing to grab one of my kids if by chance my pants are to my ankles and one is getting away!!!  Usually one of them climbs under the door and the other plays with the latch and  gets the door wide open... 

 I do have two techniques that seem to pay off 80% of the time lately that I will share:) (Yes, potty time  is a good "Mr. Rogers teachable moment"...anything to try to look like a better parent!!!

1.  I  ask them, "show me how you pray..." they fold their hands and show me....nothing like throwing God in a bathroom trip!  I need Him usually the most in these moments.......

2. I ask them to show me how tall they are and stand up against the wall with their hands against it...with all three of them they make it a game....Maybe I am preparing them for a mug shot???

As for our "van potty"  Let's just say in times of "Crisis" I have used it myself...TMI???? I have heard moms share their stories of using diapers in the car so my method makes me feel a step ahead of the game:)    but as for today this was my relief with Hank........

The postman's bathroom (this is at a local park...that I have seen random
people stop and use and today used with hank...yes that is a Superman sticker on the door!!!)

The second part of the day I allowed my bladder to suffer in while trying to find a moment of peace...as usual, something had to give...........