waiting....disappointment and dysfunction

10 years ago tonight I was waiting to say  "I do".  Now tonight it is the eve of my 10 yr anniversary and I am up waiting for my husband to get home to see what he has decided  for our family. "To move or not to move."  We have worked ourselves up with this decision in so many directions:  that now  we really should just draw straws or something.

We had planned to take a trip for our anniversary but  this but next "life decision" has ruined that and has led to nothing but disappointment and exhaustion.

10 yrs ago I was in Niagara Falls, Canada waiting to get married in a hotel room with my friend Jen.  Also feeling disappointed as my dysfunctional family life had "forced" me to get married in Canada. (I know I wasn't "forced" but the circumstances had felt led to that).

My parents have been divorced since I was 7 and I was the first to get married out of 4 girls.  Making wedding plans with two parents who hadn't talked in years became disastrous so at the time we had decided to elope.  Eloping then turned into my husband's family wanting to come and a few friends to support us, then out of obligation my family.

My wedding day turned into me doing my own hair and makeup  with a couple of friends who I know tried their hardest to help me but all I wanted was my sisters and mom to help me, but in our true family fashion, they were off complaining about being annoyed at "everything".

Is it  funny to say in the same sentence that I don't regret my wedding day but to say I was disappointed in it? It turned out to be a very emotional day and we got married for $500.00! Talk about trying to stay out of debt.  The weather was beautiful. I had a cute dress off the rack of a cute little place.  And most of all, I had and still have a man who I know loves me.

We ended up having  cake and champagne in the basement of a beautiful steeple church and were surrounded by people who I know loved us.  Even my dad who I am now estranged from and even at the time was, came up and shook my newly husband's hand and said, " I am proud of you." The moment was time-less and loving.  The day did end in lots of joyful tears.

At the time, I didn't know, that the dysfunction with my mom and dad was even more evident to the friends and family who came to be there for us. Their silent bickering was made loud and clear.  Over the years when we look back on it and  laugh but I always find myself heart broken but know how "typical" it really is.

Why I mention this, I think is because I think over the years I have kept telling myself it is going to get better.  And it has in spurts and in moments; but I still keep finding myself disappointed in things.  And now at our 10 year mark, I had hoped for this "Romantic, Everything is ok Moment?"  Or  at least a get away?  Like we had finally earned something?  (Forgot to mentioned we cheaply "road tripped" our honeymoon. First to Toronto for a night, then to Penn State College for a night. And almost 10 years to the date of the trip, look at the dysfunction that is in State College, Pa right now?) Sadly again, aware of more dysfunction.

Maybe I have learned to cling to disappointment because of all the dysfunction? Maybe I like to be dysfunctional?  Or like to be disappointed?  Or it is all I know how to be?  What ever it is, I want it to change. I don't want my kids to feel like this, at least not on their wedding day or really any day.


I have been doing this Romans Bible study this last year and after reading Romans 5 some hope was restored after reading it; especially what is bolded:

Romans 5:1-8
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. "

All of my experiences are producing lots of character I think!

Also was exposed to some Lamentations this week:

Lamentations 3:19-27

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

So....I had hoped at 10 years for something new and fun...maybe just have to wait a little longer?  Still seeking...10 years into it all, still have a husband who supports me and now 3 kids (who even in the middle of this was still up....) Hank just came down and told me, "mom, you are beautiful." (how can he get in trouble after saying that??:)

Trying to think of how to end this...I know it all sounds like, "Ah, it is all ok, because I just  posted a few Bible verses."  And yes, reading them helps with the pain and disappointment and in all, I know I don't have to be disappointed; but now I have to believe it.  The last 10 years has been a process and I must  keep processing as I am waiting for the next step and keep hoping in it for more disappointment and dysfunction to fade.....

Under the Bed...

So I just found myself hiding under my kids bed.  I went under to dig out all the garbage that daily accumulates there, (sadly, I am sure  I just cleaned it yesterday, and don't know how in a matter of a night or two, there is more "stuff" there). As I started to crawl under there and throw behind me all the trash, I found myself like an autistic kid, (I need to post about my sensory issues sometime and my experience working with such kids and how I learned a lot about myself  from them and their amazing abilities and even more, their parents who are so patient...)  calmed by the darkness and quiet under there. I actually started thinking if I could make this my official hiding spot.  How funny to want to hide in my kids room.  But why not? It is filled with toys, cute clothes and no worries.  Everything outside of my world.... Especially quiet.

I realize I started this blogging and am not really good at it.  But like the title of the blog, I think I have literally been trying to survive with just a mouthful of air to keep me going most days and most days my brain is just numb to everything and any thing I start to want to write is mush.  Nothing comes after a day of constant noise of children.

The last  couple of years my husband has been commuting to Columbus for work. Usually he stays there throughout the week, leaving me home with my 3 kids 24/7.  After this experience, my heart goes out to military families.  I don't know how they do it.   The days when I am grumbling about our situation, Dan likes to tell me, " I could be in the military, you know?" I like to think that I would have never married him and placed myself in that situation (That simple right?)......

I wrote the above a couple of weeks back...again lack of discipline in trying to keep this up...but encouraged by a friend to keep track of where we have been in this life of survival and day to day life.

We are in the middle of this, "should we stay or should we go",  (I like to break out in song, to make it more entertaining), as we are trying to figure out if we should move closer to Dan's job or stay in this community that we have grown to love and where we have finally built a strong support system that has been lacking way too long in my life.  Along with a church that we have a strong desire to help see grow.

I have had some awesome friends who I have dragged into this daily "saga" of mine and I think out of exhaustion of us all, I just want to  run away.  I keep telling myself it could be worse. As mentioned, Dan could be in the Military and away.  As we are surrounded by so many with cancer, we could be victims to it ourselves and sadly, it can strike out of no where. I know all this...as I daily  find myself doing "Lamaze breathing."

I have thought of myself to have grown over the years in my faith as we have been through what I thought was so much. Multiple moves; Dan's mother's cancer and then death; career changes and working a combination of jobs with kids in diapers. Hank's  cranial surgery and therapy; my parent's long drawn out divorce of 20+ years that has become what I now call  my "Dr. Phil Meets Jerry Springer" sitcom family.  But then I heard a new term  the other day and maybe have become susceptible  to it;  "Hollywood Faith" it is all summed up and fixed in 30 minutes. (Midday Connection 10/3/11).  I think that is what is wrong with me.

I don't want to keep going through the waiting and tiredness of the next step. With a snap, it should all work out (with no commercial interruptions.)  Then on the next note, and trying not to breath, I truly do feel blessed to know that we are growing and being allowed to change for a purpose.

At this very moment, we  have our house half packed expecting a move. We have renters/good friends who we totally believe in lined up to rent and maybe even buy our house. We have found a decent condo to rent in Cbus; downfall is the school system, but I have really been open to homeschooling our oldest.  And now are totally paralyzed and can't move in either way......Really shouldn't be this hard?

I just looked up my theme song to this all..."Should I Stay or Should I Go?"....there is a line that reads


This indecision’s bugging me... couldn't be any more true..sigh..




Psalm 63 starts off, "Oh God you are my God, earnestly I seek you..."...when my head is mush, such as right now at almost midnight, I pray this....because of my posting record, I am sure by the next one there will be some answers! :)

Seeking, waiting for the next step to be found....thankful that even under my kid's bed God sees me:)

seek  (sk) v. sought (sôt), seek·ing, seeks v.tr. 1. To try to locate or discover; search for. 2. To endeavor to obtain or reach: seek a college education. 3. To go to or toward: Water seeks its own level. 4. To inquire for; request: seek directions from a police officer. 5. To try; endeavor: seek to do good. 6. Obsolete To explore. v.intr. To make a search or investigation: Seek and you will find.