Under the Bed...

So I just found myself hiding under my kids bed.  I went under to dig out all the garbage that daily accumulates there, (sadly, I am sure  I just cleaned it yesterday, and don't know how in a matter of a night or two, there is more "stuff" there). As I started to crawl under there and throw behind me all the trash, I found myself like an autistic kid, (I need to post about my sensory issues sometime and my experience working with such kids and how I learned a lot about myself  from them and their amazing abilities and even more, their parents who are so patient...)  calmed by the darkness and quiet under there. I actually started thinking if I could make this my official hiding spot.  How funny to want to hide in my kids room.  But why not? It is filled with toys, cute clothes and no worries.  Everything outside of my world.... Especially quiet.

I realize I started this blogging and am not really good at it.  But like the title of the blog, I think I have literally been trying to survive with just a mouthful of air to keep me going most days and most days my brain is just numb to everything and any thing I start to want to write is mush.  Nothing comes after a day of constant noise of children.

The last  couple of years my husband has been commuting to Columbus for work. Usually he stays there throughout the week, leaving me home with my 3 kids 24/7.  After this experience, my heart goes out to military families.  I don't know how they do it.   The days when I am grumbling about our situation, Dan likes to tell me, " I could be in the military, you know?" I like to think that I would have never married him and placed myself in that situation (That simple right?)......

I wrote the above a couple of weeks back...again lack of discipline in trying to keep this up...but encouraged by a friend to keep track of where we have been in this life of survival and day to day life.

We are in the middle of this, "should we stay or should we go",  (I like to break out in song, to make it more entertaining), as we are trying to figure out if we should move closer to Dan's job or stay in this community that we have grown to love and where we have finally built a strong support system that has been lacking way too long in my life.  Along with a church that we have a strong desire to help see grow.

I have had some awesome friends who I have dragged into this daily "saga" of mine and I think out of exhaustion of us all, I just want to  run away.  I keep telling myself it could be worse. As mentioned, Dan could be in the Military and away.  As we are surrounded by so many with cancer, we could be victims to it ourselves and sadly, it can strike out of no where. I know all this...as I daily  find myself doing "Lamaze breathing."

I have thought of myself to have grown over the years in my faith as we have been through what I thought was so much. Multiple moves; Dan's mother's cancer and then death; career changes and working a combination of jobs with kids in diapers. Hank's  cranial surgery and therapy; my parent's long drawn out divorce of 20+ years that has become what I now call  my "Dr. Phil Meets Jerry Springer" sitcom family.  But then I heard a new term  the other day and maybe have become susceptible  to it;  "Hollywood Faith" it is all summed up and fixed in 30 minutes. (Midday Connection 10/3/11).  I think that is what is wrong with me.

I don't want to keep going through the waiting and tiredness of the next step. With a snap, it should all work out (with no commercial interruptions.)  Then on the next note, and trying not to breath, I truly do feel blessed to know that we are growing and being allowed to change for a purpose.

At this very moment, we  have our house half packed expecting a move. We have renters/good friends who we totally believe in lined up to rent and maybe even buy our house. We have found a decent condo to rent in Cbus; downfall is the school system, but I have really been open to homeschooling our oldest.  And now are totally paralyzed and can't move in either way......Really shouldn't be this hard?

I just looked up my theme song to this all..."Should I Stay or Should I Go?"....there is a line that reads


This indecision’s bugging me... couldn't be any more true..sigh..




Psalm 63 starts off, "Oh God you are my God, earnestly I seek you..."...when my head is mush, such as right now at almost midnight, I pray this....because of my posting record, I am sure by the next one there will be some answers! :)

Seeking, waiting for the next step to be found....thankful that even under my kid's bed God sees me:)

seek  (sk) v. sought (sôt), seek·ing, seeks v.tr. 1. To try to locate or discover; search for. 2. To endeavor to obtain or reach: seek a college education. 3. To go to or toward: Water seeks its own level. 4. To inquire for; request: seek directions from a police officer. 5. To try; endeavor: seek to do good. 6. Obsolete To explore. v.intr. To make a search or investigation: Seek and you will find.